Well, so many things to blog about this weekend so far. Let's start with the bad news, then move to the good news, then to bad news again.
The bad news: My computer died again. It hung this morning(afternoon) when I moved the mouse to bring the monitors back. I hit the button to restart it, and it entered the endless loop of bluescreens. I tried a repair install, no dice. It got to the reinstalling drivers part, asked me to install mouse and keyboard drivers... after uninstalling the mouse and keyboard drivers. FUN!
At least I got that back up today. Everything's installed again sans games. I'm going to try to avoid playing games and get some schoolwork done. Only less than a year behind... not SO bad.
Yesterday I managed to get to Best Buy with my pay and got myself a digital camera. I ended up with a Canon PowerShot SD570. Has a nice big screen, nearly instant save time, and accepts SD cards for storage. At 7.1 megapixels, I think it will do the job nicely.
Oh, yeah, that last little tidbit of bad news? My grandmother almost killed my grandfather with a drug overdose. See, what happened was... My grandmother prepares his pills, cutting them in half, sorting them and whatnot, and places them into a prescription pill bottle she saved from one of his other meds. Well she manages to hand him the wrong bottle, instead of his regular pills he got a whole half month's dose of blood pressure meds. The kind that lower your blood pressure.
They called the doc, and the doc sent an ambulance to the house. Thing is, they were at work. My mother, in her PJ's, doesn't answer the front door because she just got up, and figures it's just someone selling something. The paramedics, now joined by firemen, jumped the fence, and decided to knock on the back door. Now they started hollering to check and see if the guy they were looking for had been hard of hearing. Mom hears the yells, runs up the stairs, and answers the back door. She told them that there wasn't anyone at home at the moment, and nobody with a drug overdose as far as she was aware.
She rings me up to make sure everything is okay. You might note now that I'm at work with my grandparents, and I have no idea there's anything wrong. I tell her that everyone here(at work) is okay. I tell my co-worker about it, then go back behind our driers to load stuff into our washers. I was back there a good ten minutes before I heard her shout "Chris! Come look! They're here now!". O_o
Sure enough, they were called to haul my grandfather away. He left on his own power though, so that wasn't too bad. They kept him overnight and I guess he's going to be just fine, if not a little sleepy.
Crazyness.
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
I just took a nap.
Yeah, I know. It sounds funny doesn't it. There I was, minding my own business watching Robin Hood: Men in Tights, when I suddenly find myself more than halfway through The Prestige, laying in a small puddle of my own drool on the couch. I fell asleep, which is strange considering I had a perfectly awake day. I guess it wasn't enough activity for me. Oh well, a nap is a nap.
I'm a little annoyed, however, by my family's stupid habit of assuming there's a liner in the kitchen trash can. You know the cans with the dome tops and the lids that have the little roll up thing to open them? I can't find a picture ATM, but that's what we have. Anyway, it seems everyone has developed the habit of just opening the lid, not bothering to check the liner, and throw their garbage in it.
That itself wouldn't be so bad, excepting the fact that I am the one who changes the trash bag. I had to reach in there among the bad potatoes, banana peels, macaroni and cheese, and coffee grounds, to retrieve the liner. So you ask, why didn't you just put a bag on top and dump? Well my dears, the simple fact of the matter is that our garbage weighs anywhere between 15 and 50 pounds. I can barely lift the bag out of the can sometimes let alone the can itself, considering it weighs around five pounds itself.
Now, the first thing I had to do when I got up from my lovely spontaneous nap, was to change said trash bag. That only compounded the frustration. So now not only was I pissed about reaching down amidst the worst garbage you could fathom, I had to do it minutes after I woke up.
Blargh.
I'm a little annoyed, however, by my family's stupid habit of assuming there's a liner in the kitchen trash can. You know the cans with the dome tops and the lids that have the little roll up thing to open them? I can't find a picture ATM, but that's what we have. Anyway, it seems everyone has developed the habit of just opening the lid, not bothering to check the liner, and throw their garbage in it.
That itself wouldn't be so bad, excepting the fact that I am the one who changes the trash bag. I had to reach in there among the bad potatoes, banana peels, macaroni and cheese, and coffee grounds, to retrieve the liner. So you ask, why didn't you just put a bag on top and dump? Well my dears, the simple fact of the matter is that our garbage weighs anywhere between 15 and 50 pounds. I can barely lift the bag out of the can sometimes let alone the can itself, considering it weighs around five pounds itself.
Now, the first thing I had to do when I got up from my lovely spontaneous nap, was to change said trash bag. That only compounded the frustration. So now not only was I pissed about reaching down amidst the worst garbage you could fathom, I had to do it minutes after I woke up.
Blargh.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
So what DOES a Jarannicus Orranicus DO
Okay, I know. I said I would update this regularly. Well, since I wrote that last entry I got a new computer, had some problems with it, replaced the bad parts, had some more, and finally I think I have it ironed out.
Work has been okay, I guess. Lots of laundry. Money is good though, always a good thing to have on hand.
Not much to report otherwise I guess. No news is good news, as the saying goes.
Update: Because I feel this is a little... halfhearted, this post is now called "So what DOES a Jarannicus Orranicus DO". Well, I decided I would tell you all, which is pretty much just Shelle, because I feel like a linkwhore spamvertizer if I link my blog to anyone really, WHAT I DO IN MY FREE TIME (rather, what I do when I'm so busy I manage to not pay attention to people for a few minutes), and also the playlist I've been looping for a while, SO ANYWAY, here goes.
To start with what I'm doing when I'm not paying attention to you, I will go ahead and say if you've never heard of Loading Ready Run, head on over to http://www.loadingreadyrun.com and watch some of the popular videos on the right hand side a ways down. Chances are, if you either use stumbleupon, like pirates and talk like a pirate day, or read news about that frenzy over the Mass Effect "sex scene with EXPLICIT NUDITY!!!!111!1!!!ONEONEONE!", then you'll recognize one of the videos over there. These guys are so awesome, after my third day of watching their videos, I bought a shirt. Yeah.
Big shout to my most recent refresh-button-hog, G.O.D. over at http://www.grumpyolddad.com I've known this guy for a few years. He's just getting his blog set up so there's not much there, worth watching IMO.
As for webcomics, the list is numerous. There's Ctrl-Alt-Del, Questionable Content, Megatokyo, Masago: The Restaurant, Fanboys, Dueling Analogs and Applegeeks. I'm feeling lazy, too much to to give you a link to each and every one. Google them.
Usually other than that, it's whatever I StumbleUpon that day. That usually gives me a few hours of entertainment.
The past few months have been good for stumbling upon things that I find awesome, or cool, or entertaining, or catchy. The catchiest of which has to be "Here comes another bubble" by The Richter Scales (link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6IQ_FOCE6I ).
Well, that's pretty much it for random internet stuff, the rest of it's the usual IRC chatting, AIM chatting, MSN chatting, video chatting, and of course, scrabble.
This week, my favored playlist contains:
Flogging Molly - Requiem For A Dying Song
Maroon Five - Won't Go Home Without You
Brand New - Soco Amaretto Lime
Cute Is What We Aim For - The Curse of Curves
Eagles - Journey of the Sorcerer
Eve 6 - Inside Out
Fatboy Slim - Wonderful Night
Finger Eleven - One Thing
Foolsgarden - Yellow Lemon Tree
Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta
Matchbox 20 - How Far We've Come
The Matches - Chain Me Free
Meese - The Start Of It
PlayRadioPlay! - Confines of Gravity
Rooney - When Did Your Heart Go Missing
Spoon - I Turn My Camera On
Talking Heads - Once in a Lifetime
Tickle Me Pink - Typical
The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony
VHS or Beta - Can't Believe a Single Word
Victims of Science - The Device Has Been Modified
and of course:
The Richter Scales - Here Comes Another Bubble
So that's about it for me today, this week, this month, however long it is before I next update my blog... hopefully won't be too long.
Work has been okay, I guess. Lots of laundry. Money is good though, always a good thing to have on hand.
Not much to report otherwise I guess. No news is good news, as the saying goes.
Update: Because I feel this is a little... halfhearted, this post is now called "So what DOES a Jarannicus Orranicus DO". Well, I decided I would tell you all, which is pretty much just Shelle, because I feel like a linkwhore spamvertizer if I link my blog to anyone really, WHAT I DO IN MY FREE TIME (rather, what I do when I'm so busy I manage to not pay attention to people for a few minutes), and also the playlist I've been looping for a while, SO ANYWAY, here goes.
To start with what I'm doing when I'm not paying attention to you, I will go ahead and say if you've never heard of Loading Ready Run, head on over to http://www.loadingreadyrun.com and watch some of the popular videos on the right hand side a ways down. Chances are, if you either use stumbleupon, like pirates and talk like a pirate day, or read news about that frenzy over the Mass Effect "sex scene with EXPLICIT NUDITY!!!!111!1!!!ONEONEONE!", then you'll recognize one of the videos over there. These guys are so awesome, after my third day of watching their videos, I bought a shirt. Yeah.
Big shout to my most recent refresh-button-hog, G.O.D. over at http://www.grumpyolddad.com I've known this guy for a few years. He's just getting his blog set up so there's not much there, worth watching IMO.
As for webcomics, the list is numerous. There's Ctrl-Alt-Del, Questionable Content, Megatokyo, Masago: The Restaurant, Fanboys, Dueling Analogs and Applegeeks. I'm feeling lazy, too much to to give you a link to each and every one. Google them.
Usually other than that, it's whatever I StumbleUpon that day. That usually gives me a few hours of entertainment.
The past few months have been good for stumbling upon things that I find awesome, or cool, or entertaining, or catchy. The catchiest of which has to be "Here comes another bubble" by The Richter Scales (link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6IQ_FOCE6I ).
Well, that's pretty much it for random internet stuff, the rest of it's the usual IRC chatting, AIM chatting, MSN chatting, video chatting, and of course, scrabble.
This week, my favored playlist contains:
Flogging Molly - Requiem For A Dying Song
Maroon Five - Won't Go Home Without You
Brand New - Soco Amaretto Lime
Cute Is What We Aim For - The Curse of Curves
Eagles - Journey of the Sorcerer
Eve 6 - Inside Out
Fatboy Slim - Wonderful Night
Finger Eleven - One Thing
Foolsgarden - Yellow Lemon Tree
Harvey Danger - Flagpole Sitta
Matchbox 20 - How Far We've Come
The Matches - Chain Me Free
Meese - The Start Of It
PlayRadioPlay! - Confines of Gravity
Rooney - When Did Your Heart Go Missing
Spoon - I Turn My Camera On
Talking Heads - Once in a Lifetime
Tickle Me Pink - Typical
The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony
VHS or Beta - Can't Believe a Single Word
Victims of Science - The Device Has Been Modified
and of course:
The Richter Scales - Here Comes Another Bubble
So that's about it for me today, this week, this month, however long it is before I next update my blog... hopefully won't be too long.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Good morning world... again
(It's a damned novel, but trust me, it's worth it.)
Hey. I guess this is more of a diary than anything else, but I don't believe that any of my thoughts should be hidden within, or in a book that only I see. I want people to understand me for who I am and why I am the way I am.
I've tried this several times in the past but then I get lazy This time I'm going to try to stick with it. It's going to be big, I know it, I feel it, it's going to help me cope with things, help me decide, help people understand me, help them know who I really am. I feel it all coming, like a change in the weather. My knees are stiff, my shoulders ache. It's more than that. That awesome tingly feeling deep down within that starts small and spreads infinitely to every corner of my being is beginning it's slow spread.
I'm not... average. I hate to say normal there, because normal isn't real. There isn't a normal, we're all normal to ourselves, and weird to everyone else. It's these quirks that make us who we are. There is one thing I can say though, and it's that this experience, this life, this existence, is made for people like me.
I look at the world as if it's a playground. An area for me to roam around in, to do whatever I want, to have fun doing it. Everyone needs to live life this way.
I'm Chris, a sixteen-going-on-seventeen year old male. I grew up in a series of basements, moving from one house to another, living with grandparents, for most of all my life so far. My father left us when he found out my mother was pregnant with me. The people I grew up around were mostly family, my grandmother, aunt, and cousin, then later my sister. After my sister's father decided to divorce my mother, it became a house with only one male, Me.
I went to elementary school, homeschooled for first and second grade, went back, then left again during my fifth grade year. I had friends, I had clothes on my back, and I had food. I never needed more, even though I asked. I learned my mother couldn't make enough money to provide for all the things I wanted while still taking care of me when I wasn't at school. I never needed attention, or punishment, or mental therapy. Even though I saw that my friends had two parents each, I didn't mind because all I needed was my mother. Yeah, I'm a momma's boy.
She was there for me my whole life, provided the things she could, treating me and my sister when she had the money. Grandma would take me to go eat fancy dinners, the waitresses would always comment on how much I could eat.
I had everything I needed. Family and friends.
I could lean on my family when times were tough. I could cry and have my mother comfort me. There was a hug whenever I needed one. I had a happy childhood. I'm grateful for it.
The way I was brought up has a large impact on my outlook on the world. Because I always had someone there for me, there was never any pent-up emotion. It all just... flows. It wasn't just someone though, it was my mother. She gave me strength when I was about to fall. Not some babysitter, or day-care cowboy, corralling children, keeping an eye on them. No, this was my mother, someone who shares my blood, that will always be there even after she's passed on. There will always be a little of mom in me.
Can day-care raised kids say that, I wonder? Is it a piece of Day Care Lady Jane that they keep with them? Hmmm...
The way I see the world... it's easy to explain but seemingly hard for people to implement because they have learned all their lives that happiness comes from having stuff, not relationships. Parents never there for their children try to make up for it with stuff. Time is of the essence.
The way I see the world... is that if you aren't having fun, you aren't doing it right. Because I was raised down near the bottom, I set my sights high and don't have any hard feelings when I'm let down. I know that failure is how we grow, how we learn. I know that things you can hold are more fleeting than things you can feel inside.
When I work, I don't think of it as work. I fold sheets and towels and napkins. Hundreds at a time. It's repetitive motion that would drain anyone else. It's drudgery. Hour after hour of folding things the same exact way. I MAKE it fun. I throw on a pair of headphones, crank up the happy hardcore dance music, and dance my way through the day. Not only am I more efficient and more awake, but I'm having fun, enjoying the hours and hours of towels and sheets and napkins.
I can do this because I know that there will always be something exciting around the bend, something new and fun to try out, new people to meet, and new feelings to have. Yeah, I know some not-so-ideal things can happen that will probably bring me down, but you know what I do to get through the tough? I take what I have and run with it. I'll pull out Counter-Strike: Source and play some deathmatch rounds. It's how I got through my sister moving to Arizona to live with her dad.
I, on the inside, am three different people. Not three personalities, or three people really, but more three versions of me. Three moods.
The first, which is the real me, the inside me that doesn't really get out much, is an arrogant, self-centered, happy, and fun-loving, romantic.
The second me is the Family me. The person who's brought out into the open when I'm around my family. Family me is considerate, loving, happy, content, respectful, and very quiet, afraid to challenge authority.
The third me, the friends me, comes out after a buffer period of about 6-10 hours. It's patient, waiting for the family me to go away. It's quiet, a follower, eager to please, semi-arrogant, and ready to make it's own choices in life. It's the closest to me I really get out in the real world.
The second Me has trouble with choices. I'm always a follower in mode 2. I do what I'm told, though I hold off on doing it for a long time... lazy bum.
The third Me is better, but only with changes that have consequences for just me. I can't make decisions for other people, even when they ask me my opinion on something. Often when everyone else has had a chance to decide what we do, the decision will come to me. I draw a blank, like there's nothing I would ever want to do.
Recently a fourth Me has come into the picture. This, strangely enough, is a me I can only be when I'm around a certain person. I'm beginning to realize that the statement "missing what's right in front of your face" applies here. I've been jealous of my friend and his girlfriend. I want what they have. A serious relationship, something I've never had. I went out searching for a girl that would be someone I could do that with. All I found were girls who wanted few things, sex, money, gifts, looks. There weren't any who would like me for who I am, or for what I wanted out of the relationship.
I was looking too far from home. Looking past someone who has been in my mind the whole time I've known her. I need to get this out there so those not quite in the loop can keep up with how things are going with me, and how I've been feeling recently, but I'm sure she'll see it. It's a confusing situation for me. I guess it wouldn't hurt eh? Better to be out in the open than be hiding behind a shallow facade.
I've known this girl for a few years now, not really talking to her much even though I've been dying to talk to her for the longest time. A family friend's daughter, in fact. Between the time I first met her and the next time I really saw her, I grew very shy. I was having problems talking to people, girls more so. It's got to be coming on five years now. At the beginning of this month, though, I broke through that. I talked to her at a party, and now she knows I'm talking about her. I guess I was a hit, because for some strange reason, that little bit of conversation was worthy of a hug when she left. It felt awesome. Started off the year the right way. (I probably won't have the balls to tell you this in person, BTW.)
So we got together a week or so after that. Mainly on my suggestion I think. I still feel way too forward about the way that went down, and the way things are going on now. Anyway >.<
The whole trip was awkward for me, I felt odd. She kept losing me. I was still in "follower" mode, and wasn't really standing next to her, but more behind her. I feel bad for that, that I didn't stay closer. She kept looking around and saying "Where's Chris at?". I was invisible, and not by being excluded. Oh no, I was never excluded. I just... it was instinct, something that I need to break out of. I unintentionally hid out of sight. I subconsciously was afraid of being seen, of being noticed, of being included. I kept trying to stop myself from fading away into the background, but I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't.
It took the car trip home to realize what I had missed, what I wanted to be a part of so badly, was more than that. It was somewhere I could feel comfortable. She threw vagina insults at her sister's friend. That's what won me over in the end. That's what made me feel comfortable finally. It was a huge weight off my shoulders. I felt released from the bonds my subconscious had placed on me. Unrestrained, uninhibited. Happy.
Being in that car with her made me happy. Being with her makes me happy, even if just for a little bit. It always has, just been dulled by the endless banging of my subconscious saying NO! DON'T SAY ANYTHING, YOU'LL FUCK IT UP. I couldn't be me before.
We haven't done anything since then, and I'm really eager to. I want to get together with her again soon, so I can see if the bonds have really been lifted, if I'll really feel comfortable, if I can be happy like that again. If I can be me again, the romantic that dreams of a perfectly happy relationship instead of meaningless sex, dreams of just being with someone else and having that be all that's required for happiness.
Let's pray I don't mess this up. I hope I can do it without being too forward.
Now if my cousin reads this like I'm going to ask him to, I hope you'll still respect me. That you'll still think of me in the same way, just with a better understanding of what the hell goes on in this head of mine. This is who I am, the me I have a hard time sharing with everyone.
Hey. I guess this is more of a diary than anything else, but I don't believe that any of my thoughts should be hidden within, or in a book that only I see. I want people to understand me for who I am and why I am the way I am.
I've tried this several times in the past but then I get lazy This time I'm going to try to stick with it. It's going to be big, I know it, I feel it, it's going to help me cope with things, help me decide, help people understand me, help them know who I really am. I feel it all coming, like a change in the weather. My knees are stiff, my shoulders ache. It's more than that. That awesome tingly feeling deep down within that starts small and spreads infinitely to every corner of my being is beginning it's slow spread.
I'm not... average. I hate to say normal there, because normal isn't real. There isn't a normal, we're all normal to ourselves, and weird to everyone else. It's these quirks that make us who we are. There is one thing I can say though, and it's that this experience, this life, this existence, is made for people like me.
I look at the world as if it's a playground. An area for me to roam around in, to do whatever I want, to have fun doing it. Everyone needs to live life this way.
I'm Chris, a sixteen-going-on-seventeen year old male. I grew up in a series of basements, moving from one house to another, living with grandparents, for most of all my life so far. My father left us when he found out my mother was pregnant with me. The people I grew up around were mostly family, my grandmother, aunt, and cousin, then later my sister. After my sister's father decided to divorce my mother, it became a house with only one male, Me.
I went to elementary school, homeschooled for first and second grade, went back, then left again during my fifth grade year. I had friends, I had clothes on my back, and I had food. I never needed more, even though I asked. I learned my mother couldn't make enough money to provide for all the things I wanted while still taking care of me when I wasn't at school. I never needed attention, or punishment, or mental therapy. Even though I saw that my friends had two parents each, I didn't mind because all I needed was my mother. Yeah, I'm a momma's boy.
She was there for me my whole life, provided the things she could, treating me and my sister when she had the money. Grandma would take me to go eat fancy dinners, the waitresses would always comment on how much I could eat.
I had everything I needed. Family and friends.
I could lean on my family when times were tough. I could cry and have my mother comfort me. There was a hug whenever I needed one. I had a happy childhood. I'm grateful for it.
The way I was brought up has a large impact on my outlook on the world. Because I always had someone there for me, there was never any pent-up emotion. It all just... flows. It wasn't just someone though, it was my mother. She gave me strength when I was about to fall. Not some babysitter, or day-care cowboy, corralling children, keeping an eye on them. No, this was my mother, someone who shares my blood, that will always be there even after she's passed on. There will always be a little of mom in me.
Can day-care raised kids say that, I wonder? Is it a piece of Day Care Lady Jane that they keep with them? Hmmm...
The way I see the world... it's easy to explain but seemingly hard for people to implement because they have learned all their lives that happiness comes from having stuff, not relationships. Parents never there for their children try to make up for it with stuff. Time is of the essence.
The way I see the world... is that if you aren't having fun, you aren't doing it right. Because I was raised down near the bottom, I set my sights high and don't have any hard feelings when I'm let down. I know that failure is how we grow, how we learn. I know that things you can hold are more fleeting than things you can feel inside.
When I work, I don't think of it as work. I fold sheets and towels and napkins. Hundreds at a time. It's repetitive motion that would drain anyone else. It's drudgery. Hour after hour of folding things the same exact way. I MAKE it fun. I throw on a pair of headphones, crank up the happy hardcore dance music, and dance my way through the day. Not only am I more efficient and more awake, but I'm having fun, enjoying the hours and hours of towels and sheets and napkins.
I can do this because I know that there will always be something exciting around the bend, something new and fun to try out, new people to meet, and new feelings to have. Yeah, I know some not-so-ideal things can happen that will probably bring me down, but you know what I do to get through the tough? I take what I have and run with it. I'll pull out Counter-Strike: Source and play some deathmatch rounds. It's how I got through my sister moving to Arizona to live with her dad.
I, on the inside, am three different people. Not three personalities, or three people really, but more three versions of me. Three moods.
The first, which is the real me, the inside me that doesn't really get out much, is an arrogant, self-centered, happy, and fun-loving, romantic.
The second me is the Family me. The person who's brought out into the open when I'm around my family. Family me is considerate, loving, happy, content, respectful, and very quiet, afraid to challenge authority.
The third me, the friends me, comes out after a buffer period of about 6-10 hours. It's patient, waiting for the family me to go away. It's quiet, a follower, eager to please, semi-arrogant, and ready to make it's own choices in life. It's the closest to me I really get out in the real world.
The second Me has trouble with choices. I'm always a follower in mode 2. I do what I'm told, though I hold off on doing it for a long time... lazy bum.
The third Me is better, but only with changes that have consequences for just me. I can't make decisions for other people, even when they ask me my opinion on something. Often when everyone else has had a chance to decide what we do, the decision will come to me. I draw a blank, like there's nothing I would ever want to do.
Recently a fourth Me has come into the picture. This, strangely enough, is a me I can only be when I'm around a certain person. I'm beginning to realize that the statement "missing what's right in front of your face" applies here. I've been jealous of my friend and his girlfriend. I want what they have. A serious relationship, something I've never had. I went out searching for a girl that would be someone I could do that with. All I found were girls who wanted few things, sex, money, gifts, looks. There weren't any who would like me for who I am, or for what I wanted out of the relationship.
I was looking too far from home. Looking past someone who has been in my mind the whole time I've known her. I need to get this out there so those not quite in the loop can keep up with how things are going with me, and how I've been feeling recently, but I'm sure she'll see it. It's a confusing situation for me. I guess it wouldn't hurt eh? Better to be out in the open than be hiding behind a shallow facade.
I've known this girl for a few years now, not really talking to her much even though I've been dying to talk to her for the longest time. A family friend's daughter, in fact. Between the time I first met her and the next time I really saw her, I grew very shy. I was having problems talking to people, girls more so. It's got to be coming on five years now. At the beginning of this month, though, I broke through that. I talked to her at a party, and now she knows I'm talking about her. I guess I was a hit, because for some strange reason, that little bit of conversation was worthy of a hug when she left. It felt awesome. Started off the year the right way. (I probably won't have the balls to tell you this in person, BTW.)
So we got together a week or so after that. Mainly on my suggestion I think. I still feel way too forward about the way that went down, and the way things are going on now. Anyway >.<
The whole trip was awkward for me, I felt odd. She kept losing me. I was still in "follower" mode, and wasn't really standing next to her, but more behind her. I feel bad for that, that I didn't stay closer. She kept looking around and saying "Where's Chris at?". I was invisible, and not by being excluded. Oh no, I was never excluded. I just... it was instinct, something that I need to break out of. I unintentionally hid out of sight. I subconsciously was afraid of being seen, of being noticed, of being included. I kept trying to stop myself from fading away into the background, but I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't.
It took the car trip home to realize what I had missed, what I wanted to be a part of so badly, was more than that. It was somewhere I could feel comfortable. She threw vagina insults at her sister's friend. That's what won me over in the end. That's what made me feel comfortable finally. It was a huge weight off my shoulders. I felt released from the bonds my subconscious had placed on me. Unrestrained, uninhibited. Happy.
Being in that car with her made me happy. Being with her makes me happy, even if just for a little bit. It always has, just been dulled by the endless banging of my subconscious saying NO! DON'T SAY ANYTHING, YOU'LL FUCK IT UP. I couldn't be me before.
We haven't done anything since then, and I'm really eager to. I want to get together with her again soon, so I can see if the bonds have really been lifted, if I'll really feel comfortable, if I can be happy like that again. If I can be me again, the romantic that dreams of a perfectly happy relationship instead of meaningless sex, dreams of just being with someone else and having that be all that's required for happiness.
Let's pray I don't mess this up. I hope I can do it without being too forward.
Now if my cousin reads this like I'm going to ask him to, I hope you'll still respect me. That you'll still think of me in the same way, just with a better understanding of what the hell goes on in this head of mine. This is who I am, the me I have a hard time sharing with everyone.
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