So, here’s the deal. Last this blog knew, I was with who I’d thought was my dream girl, Destiny. Now, unfortunately things didn’t end all too great. It ended in pain, pain for me and her. After much abuse, disagreement, and lack of trust, I no longer felt like I was loved, no matter how much she claimed I was… but I wasn’t able to love back anymore. I wasn’t able to put the past behind me. As much as I’d wished to put it behind me and be there for her I couldn’t do it anymore.
That was bad enough, but the next girlfriend I had ended in a bad way too. I ended up with another girl who was bipolar with manic tendencies, and as much as I tried because her symptoms were very different… I wasn’t able to accept that she might have been different. I was hooked on the fact that Destiny was violent, and that her symptoms kept getting worse the longer I was with her. It didn’t help that I was a shallow bastard with both and broke up with them over facebook. There are things in my life I’m not proud of, definitely, and those two are the primary things. Not that I’m not proud that I knew them, but that I’m not proud of how things went. I’d thought I was in love with both of them, only to let fear take over and end whatever happiness I had.
Since then, I’ve been single, playing with the idea of relationships with people I already know, people I’ve worked with. It’s not really worth it though. At least not in my department. It causes issues.
In the past few weeks I’ve had a bit of a turnaround in my thinking. I’ve been brave enough to walk up to new people that seem interesting and introduce myself, which is a strange prospect because of how I usually am. I’ve had many interesting conversations with completely random people because of my new outgoing nature. I think it had something to do with the prospect of entering a new decade with a new group of people that interest me greatly.
I’m a bit on the silly side with my newfound outgoingness, and I’m starting to come to terms with my goals for life. I no longer want to be in a relationship with someone right away. I’m happy being where I am, with the people I know, doing the things that I do.
More than that, I know for a fact that what I’m meant to do is make people happy. I’m happy with that. Improving someone’s mood just a little bit makes me incredibly happy. It’s a little lacking in the ambition area, and doesn’t require me to do any kind of learning. I’m good at it already. I’ll still learn, sure, but not to make anyone proud of me.
When I die, I want my funeral to be not people in awe of what I did, but thankful for who I was. Thankful to have known me. Happy that I died completely happy. Completeness for me is a well entertained crowd of happy people that I made happy, or a constant stream of people coming up upset, and leaving happy.
Kissing booth here I come :P
Not really, that’s a little conceited…
Well, Blog, you’re at least a little more updated than you were before.
Sorry to have let you lapse for so long, it’s more important that you’re updated. Keeps my mind straight.
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