Love Stories

I've spent many nights alone now. Recently those nights involve an indeterminate period of staring up at the cold concrete ceiling, marveling at the slabs that were poured in forms at ground level, then hoisted by cranes 22.9 floors into the air before being fitted together with their new neighbors by a network of protruding rebar to be forever sealed to each other with a bead of wet cement, drawn closer by nuts and bolts. It strikes me how much finality there is in the process. It's that finality that I find so lacking in creative writing.

I love creating, and I love writing. Code, mostly, but sometimes creatively as well. The problem I have with creative writing that programming doesn't touch on is the infinite flexibility and fluidity that the written word can have. Code has that too, but the flexibility and fluidity are always available with a purpose. When I write programs, I have a set goal. A point. Something to drive towards. Creative writing has always been harder though. I can pre-plan a program with ease, but can I assemble a simple short-story plotline that's cohesive and interconnected? Not usually.

In the last two days I've spent twenty-four hours working on a coding project. I completed it during that time, writing 570 lines of code to perform a task that took 253 seconds. A task that, by hand, would have taken in the order of days for a single person to perform. I typed 18,809 characters over seven pages of PHP. I only had to stop and analyze a few times. Perhaps for a grand total of two hours during that entire period did I have to stop and figure out what I was supposed to have been doing, and how to make it happen.

Why is it then, that when I want to write a story, it never comes through like that?

I can have all the ideas in the world. Description can flow forth from my mind like steam bursting through the crack in a copper pipe stowed in a basement, but when it comes to a story, I lose track of my direction. Where to go, what to have them say, who needs to be involved. My characters all end up being a variation on me that leaves the story free of dialogue because they all know what the other me is thinking through the whole story. Many knowing glances are exchanged between them, as if they always know what the other would have said, but are the readers to be left in the dark too? Perhaps this communication flows in monologues inside each character's head, where they speak the dialogue of the other in self-reflective sentences uttered in the first-person narrative of the scene.

Perhaps in this lies the real problem. Perhaps I'm having such a hard time writing about what these characters would say and do is because they ARE a part of me. Is it that the part of me that flows onto the page is so bland and unnecessarily useless that nothing I can do can usher this character into action? Maybe it's just my depression leaking out into the world. I've heard depression likes paper.

What if it was, though? What if it is the depression that seems to have slowly crept into my life that's causing this void of imagination and creativity that I so often steep in. If that's the case, then the longing itself is also self-defeating, as there's nothing more disheartening than being down so far that I can't even write about it.

I've heard it said that some of the best love-story writers are good at what they do because they're depressed. Happy, fulfilled people don't write good love stories. They don't have anything to write about. It's hard to write about how you feel right now, this moment. If you were to sit down and ask yourself to write about a character that's in your same mood, and passed that on to someone else, unless you are among the pantheon of emotional description, they likely wouldn't have any idea what you're talking about. The writing would likely be bland and uninspiring. The mood would probably be completely missed in the vocabulary and form that your writing took. But if you write about how it is to be happy, as someone who's depressed... You find that it's a lot easier to write about the feeling of relief, serenity, and wonder that accompanies true happiness. 

It doesn't really accompany happiness though, does it? A person can read your description of happiness and determine that yes, that is how they feel, but they would never have been able to describe it for themselves.

So I suppose then that it's only logical that someone dealing with depression and loneliness would be the perfect person to write a love story. They know the kind of longing and tension that accompanies being alone. And they know how they want to feel. They know how they would want it to go. Maybe a chance meeting at a coffee shop spurred by a quick glance at a computer screen revealing that a person nearby shares an interest in some cult-film that nobody's ever heard of. They dream about the day where they casually walk by, point out the similarity and continue on, turning back to see a smirk in the face of the owner of the laptop. They dream about a chance circumstance in which they run into the person again, this time sticking around for a conversation. They feel the tension as they lead up to asking the person out, and the relief and excitement that comes from the accepted invitation. You can feel the throbbing of their pulse in their neck as they stress about what to wear, what they're going to say, what they want to order at dinner, whether they want to mention that they've always noticed their date at the coffee shop or not.

The date comes and you can again feel the tension and excitement creep slowly up your spine as they meet at the restaurant. You feel the anxiety as the main character looks around the room for their date, half knowing that they might not even be there, but hoping that out of the corner of their eye they'll spot a hand waving from a table. There it is. The anxiety lessens as the excitement rushes in. Disbelief leaves the pages as they describe to you the scene in front of them. The busy restaurant, the noisy clink and clank of pans and dishes being rearranged in the kitchen off in the distance as the world slowly drifts away. The restaurant gently drifts out of periphery as the main character's gaze fixes squarely on the subject of their affection, dressed exactly as they've always imagined they would be.

The story continues exactly how it would go if they would have their way. If they'd just run into the perfect person at the coffee shop tomorrow instead of spending the whole day tucked into a corner with their laptop browsing Facebook and grumbling about people posting "couples" pictures and changing relationship statuses. They write the story they want their life to be, leaving the happy writer at a disadvantage.

The happy writer writes the story that's already been, driven by the smile of the one they love, or while being reassured that all is in order with only the slightest murmur of a sentence in the other room from the voice they long to hear when they're alone.

And here I lay, describing how a group of cement slabs became my ceiling.

Maybe I should stick to code.

Code isn't ever depressing, it just works.

Gamify ALL THE THINGS!

So, last night I had a bit of a revelation: I'm not getting enough done. Well, okay so that's not much of a revelation, especially if you know how much stuff I get done on a regular basis (it's sad really, especially with all my aspirations).

But I had an idea, brought about by all my favorite TED talks that speak on making everything into a game with the purpose of making it fun. Do Stuff, Get Points, Receive Bacon(Or some other such reward).

Here's what I'm thinking: days dedicated to specific tasks.
Mondays are going to be creative days. Tuesdays, a personal "do whatever" day. Wednesday and Thursday Production and Social/relaxation days respectively. Friday dedicated to other people, friends/family/etc. Saturday dedicated to team-building things with whatever group of co-workers are available, and Sunday free for catching up on the previous week's missed points.

For each day, there's a different point goal, and for each specific task, a different number of points. Like this blog post, this is a personal blog post, so for this week, that would be one point towards Wednesday's "Production Budget" of points.

My preliminary list of Creative things for Mondays include:
Starting or Finishing a short-story - 1 point
Write based off of a new Writing Prompt/Storymatic pair - 1 point
1000 words for H+ - 3 points
Practice drawing, trace/analyze a character - 1 point
Practice Animation - Vector Trace a character concept, animate 12 frames of walking/talking motion - 2 points
Draw/paint a new landscape - 3 points
Draw a new character pose - 3 points
Record H+ Project video blog - 5 points
Write a COMPLETE short story - 2 points

Right now, I'm looking to do 5 points of creativity every Monday.

This is just a preliminary idea, so it might not stick, but I think it's a bit of an interesting idea considering the push toward gamification. Maybe I'll code a web application to track points for people, if they think this is a cool idea. Anyway. 1 point down for Wednesday, now to work on Monday's points.

The SimCity Snafu, Why I'm proud of Maxis

Since the release of SimCity, there's been a constant struggle for stability that EA and Maxis hasn't quite managed to fix. Maxis is trying their hardest, as seen by the numerous updates and additional servers they've brought online since the game launch, but they also know they aren't quite up to snuff yet, and are still working hard to make their customers happy. They've even offered a free EA game to anyone that's registered their copy of SimCity at this point. So why are gamers still so mad?

Well, let's take a look at the traditional SimCity editions. When you look back, you see games in which cities had to be pretty well self-sufficient. Cities which, without your careful planning and attention, would be horribly ill-conceived blobs of zones with not enough fire, police, and hospital coverage, and if you weren't bussing around the ill in your hard-to-drive ambulance, you sometimes weren't able to make ends meet in the grander scheme of things. Running a city in SimCity 4 wasn't easy, and that was kind of the point.

The fun thing about the city was seeing how far you could get before you failed. That's really what the game is about, if you look at it objectively. It's a strategy game where you have to figure out how to get your city to work. If you somehow manage to get the city to run on its own, making more money than you were spending, it became a rewarding screen saver to look at... at least, until the aliens descended from the heavens and blasted your city with their giant laser, destroying half of your buildings, and your world wonder, and setting another quarter of your city on fire. And then you'd rebuild.

But you know, Maxis is one of those companies that, much like Valve, are constantly striving for better and more interesting gameplay. In this instance of SimCity, they found that through the power of the internet. This is the primary thing that people are complaining about, but if you look at the game and how it has progressed since it's first release, taking it to the internet is the most obvious next step. What Maxis is trying to do here is make the game a little bit more like running a real city, and the only way to do that is with a real working economy, and the only way to achieve that fairly is online.

While yes, you can set up your own region, leave it private, and run all of the cities in the region by itself, that's not really the point. The reason the game is online only isn't because of some silly DRM scheme implemented by EA, and no number of angry anti-DRM gamers are going to convince me of that. And while yes, I can see how having the game online only does help protect against game piracy, the point of the system isn't that. The point is that you are supposed to be playing this game WITH OTHER PEOPLE. If it weren't so hard to manage a world economy with the number of players Maxis was expecting to get with their new title, I'd even say that we wouldn't be limited to regions, but instead all placing cities on one really big world map.

To me, the vision Maxis was going for in creating SimCity is a smaller-scale attempt at creating a global community of cities. I'd even posit to say that the next Maxis title might be more akin to an MMO, with cities being created as cities in states that interact with each other in countries that then interact with the rest of the world. SimCity: Planets?

What I'm really trying to say here is that I believe the gamers crying out for the ability to play offline, single-player only, no internet connection required, are completely missing the point. SimCity 4 was pretty close to the best single-player SimCity experience I could hope for, and I'm ready to step into the realm of online, multi-player, region based gameplay, and I think that the gamer population as a whole should take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Maxis has been a company I've respected for what they do, and for that, I trust that they are following their vision. If that means that SimCity is going to remain online only, so be it, I'm going to continue to play and enjoy crafting regions with other players, and I'm going to love it.

Tornado Alley? What?

So I had a dream a few nights ago. There were a few things about this dream that set it apart from some of the others I've had.

One: It was not about anything happy at all.
Two: It still had a happy ending.
Three: Well, MY world was unaffected, but everyone else's world was rocked.

It started off pretty simply, I was opening presents from some sort of gift-giving holiday at my grandmother's house. Maybe it was my birthday, I don't know for sure. Whatever day it was, it started with everyone gathered around a table eating lunch. I opened my gifts, an Apple set (Macbook Pro, iPad, iPhone), from my grandmother. I wasn't able to get to any other gifts, as at that moment, it started getting very very windy outside. I stepped outdoors to investigate the wind, and saw a funnel cloud barreling down from the sky. I freaked, tried to get everyone inside but it was too late. The cloud sucked us all up into the air, and threw us all around the city. I passed out, recovered, and woke up in the arms of my stepdad, who revived me.

I got up, looked around, and found that I had landed in a grassy field with several of my friends from throughout life. My stepdad helped me get to my feet, and we spent the next few hours wandering around finding all of my family members as I ran into more and more people I used to know. Once we managed to recoup the family, who were entirely intact, we rallied to go back to my grandmother's house to see what damage had been done.

I volunteered to go, since it was only half of my childhood and I held no real attachment to it other than it having been my home for ten or so years. I peaked a hill and looked out on devastation like I'd never seen before. I spent another hour or two trying to get my bearings. Instead of being a vast wasteland of destroyed homes, there was only dirt. The tornado(?) was powerful enough to take everything off the face of the map. Fences, streets, houses, cars, they weren't damaged or destroyed, they were disintegrated. I walked through the "wastes" for another hour at least before spotting the house in the distance. My grandmother's house laid nearly untouched, with the only damage being that the porch that usually hung off the back of the house was instead skewered into the kitchen. Otherwise, the house was pristine.

I entered to find the house nearly as we left it, looking no more worse for wear than if it had only been a gusty day. I wandered around to make sure nothing inside was damaged. Everything important was intact, the only thing damaged was the window the porch was now hanging out of.

For some reason, my attention was directed toward the "Mac Pack" I had acquired, and I retrieved it, walked for about 20 minutes in a slightly different direction, and found my family staying right on the outskirts of the damaged land.

This dream seems meaningless. Maybe a dream about how the destruction of an environment has no impact on the strength of my family? Perhaps it indicates the "pillar" or "central point" of my life?

Not sure, but it sure was trippy.

Strange.

Someday.

You know, there are days in my life when I really understand what's going on around me, in the world, and within myself. Today's one of those days.

I just got home after a Josh Groban concert. Now, I've done this before, but this time it was a "game-changing change" kind of experience, and I remembered why I love singing so much. It's not about me, or how I feel when I sing. Singing for myself isn't what's exciting, it's singing for everyone, bringing my talent to the world.

During the show, Josh went out to answer questions the audience had texted him before the show. One was "You're my inspiration to sing, Can I sing something with you?". If I'd known that his answer to that question was going to be "I'll come to you, meet me at the bottom", I'd have asked that question myself. It's a dream of mine to sing with Josh, not necessarily in front of a crowd of thousands of people, but maybe just to a small group backstage or something at some point.

Now, how one pursues that kind of goal, that's the real tricky part.

Maybe, Someday. Once I'm a little older, have been singing a little longer, and have a little more talent, I'll give it a try. What's the worst he/his management/his bodyguards can say? No?

Days of Summer

Well, Blogspot. I fail. Not at the things you would expect, just basic things, like posting often and keeping you updated. There are a few major new changes in my life, things that modify my core essence.

Biggest of these probably being my change of job. I finally got my happy-ass out of Geek Squad, and now I'm working in some downtown student lofts. One of the many changes this brought about is that I now LIVE DOWNTOWN.

Super cool, yeah?

It has been, and it's been another case where all I did was say I wanted to work there, and then I did. The application process was similar to Geek Squad, only it took a little more time between when I applied and when the actual job appeared ready for me. Though, it kind of did it at the right time. I got the letter of recommendation at work before I really felt ready to leave, but when the job was offered to me, I'd really set my mind on wanting to do that. So I did.

Really it's kind of put me in a place where I really feel like I can do anything just by thinking about it hard enough. If only relationships worked that way, I'd have been bunking with Emma Watson for the past five years.

Living in the heart of downtown Denver is going to be good for me. It's already made me a much more social person than I already was, and that's saying something, if you'd seen me the past six months as it is.

I'm going to try this AGAIN and hope for the best.

Don't know how well that's going to fly, but then again, I live with Comp Sci students... with an Accounting major thrown in there for good measure.

Love You All

This one's just an open shout to all my friends, all my family, for being who they are, and a quick rundown of why each and every one of you is just so damned important to me:

Mom: You're my mother, Duh. But beyond that, you manage to look beyond anything else and dig up that sense that only a mother can have to keep me safe. You're always open to having long, drawn out, wandering conversations about anything and everything, always offering advice and guidance when I'm the most lost.

Vic: For sticking to your morals, and being the father figure I needed, when I needed one, and being a friend when I didn't. Though I don't always agree with your methods, you hold true to what you believe, and it's made you into a place where you CAN do something about how you feel about the world.

Autumn: For being strong and pushing through everything you've been through in life, and for being stupid, because it gives me someone that has worse problems than I do sometimes. Helping you keeps me sane, what can I say :p

Jerod: For having broken me out of my shell, taken me to places I'd never been, showing me how life should be: LIVED.

Matt: For being a constant source of entertainment, support, encouragement, and knocking me down to size when my ego gets a touch out of control, which it does constantly.

Andy: For keeping your cool, introducing me to new ways of thinking, always having your head on your shoulders and answering so many silly silly questions about absurd things.

Erik: For always having that comment that makes me go O_o

Angela: For having that drive to get shit DONE that's inspired me to do things every once in a while and not be such a lazy bum.

Aimee: For having shown that no matter how much you do, you can ALWAYS do more, and it's ALWAYS worth it.

Sidnaceous: For having practically been a third parent for me, despite having been on the other side of the country

Tarnagh: For being my e-aunty of awesomeness.

Teyla: For being my conscience so many times I can no longer count them. Always making me think about all the consequences of my actions, no matter what they are.

Richard: For being someone I can spar with, who's mind is on a similar level as mine. The debates will rage forever, because it's just that damn fun.

Annalisa: For having shown me the forgiveness I never deserved.

Ammarina: For having been there when I finally got comfortable being me, and being able to listen to me babble on about shit for HOURS instead of just bailing on me when I'd drop you off.

And the rest of you: For all the little things you do every day that just make life worth living. No matter how bad a mood I'm in, even five seconds in the presence of any of you makes me forget what was troubling me, if only for a while.

It's friends like these that make me possibly the most lucky man in the world, and having made me a man while doing it. I look forward to DECADES with all of you. Thank you. I love you. All of you. Yes, even you.

A minor anime list. Things I need to watch.

Evangelion.

Gurren Lagann

Kyo Kara Maoh

Blue Gender

Trinity Blood

Gungrave

Blood+

Mushi Shi

Green Green

Excel Saga

Code Geass

A magical feeling

Today’s been phantastic. For some reason the entire day has me in a state of zen. I’m very calm, very collected, and more than happy to just stare into space and think and reflect upon the world, and my world, for as long as I see fit. I’m happy again. Happy with my entire life, the things I’m doing, the people I know, and the places I am.

Tonight I spent a good three hours in a coffee shop, drinking coffee and just thinking. My friends were there, sure, but we were all off in our own little world. This little coffee shop changes the mood of the day greatly. It’s a wonderful atmosphere that’s genuinely good natured.

All types of people go there, but they’re almost always really good people, with great intentions and interesting backgrounds. It’s a meeting place for kindred spirits in a way.

Definitely a good place to feel at peace with one’s self, and they’re the kind of people that will appreciate your mood and build off of it in their own ways.

I don’t really know what about today makes it any better than any other day, except for the fact that this afternoon was mild. A little warm, very sunny. Warm enough I could drive with my window down and not get chills.

I think it may also have been the fact that I’m feeling very appreciated at work. I’m getting lots of positive feedback about my actions, honest feedback, and great customer response. It’s fulfilling knowing that I’m making a great deal of people happy on a daily basis.

I try to be a boulder in a lake, compared to the pebbles most people aim for, and I can definitely feel things coming back around to me today.

Let the happiness in. It won’t bite, it just tickles a little bit.

A daily thing? If this keeps up, WHY NOT!?

So, welcome to my semi-daily blog. Woohooness.

I accidentally the whole thing into a more regular happening.

The past few days have been pretty epic in my life. I’ve got a top hat in the mail that just arrived at my house (which I haven’t stayed at for a week or so now.)

I’m living with my friends Matt and David… sort of. On an air mattress on the floor, and I’m learning how to sing. Well.

The learning to sing thing is awesome. I tried learning from my mother, but her teaching style just doesn’t work for me. My friend Matt is in the Arvada Chorale, and he’s a great teacher. He’s helping me learn, and he’s doing an awesome job.

Already I’m more confident in my abilities, I’m feeling the differences voices make when they’re projected differently, and I’m loving every minute of it.

I need to get my top hat, but I’m low on cash and gas. WOO! BROKE!

This blog is outdated. Wow.

So, here’s the deal. Last this blog knew, I was with who I’d thought was my dream girl, Destiny. Now, unfortunately things didn’t end all too great. It ended in pain, pain for me and her. After much abuse, disagreement, and lack of trust, I no longer felt like I was loved, no matter how much she claimed I was… but I wasn’t able to love back anymore. I wasn’t able to put the past behind me. As much as I’d wished to put it behind me and be there for her I couldn’t do it anymore.

That was bad enough, but the next girlfriend I had ended in a bad way too. I ended up with another girl who was bipolar with manic tendencies, and as much as I tried because her symptoms were very different… I wasn’t able to accept that she might have been different. I was hooked on the fact that Destiny was violent, and that her symptoms kept getting worse the longer I was with her. It didn’t help that I was a shallow bastard with both and broke up with them over facebook. There are things in my life I’m not proud of, definitely, and those two are the primary things. Not that I’m not proud that I knew them, but that I’m not proud of how things went. I’d thought I was in love with both of them, only to let fear take over and end whatever happiness I had.

Since then, I’ve been single, playing with the idea of relationships with people I already know, people I’ve worked with. It’s not really worth it though. At least not in my department. It causes issues.

In the past few weeks I’ve had a bit of a turnaround in my thinking. I’ve been brave enough to walk up to new people that seem interesting and introduce myself, which is a strange prospect because of how I usually am. I’ve had many interesting conversations with completely random people because of my new outgoing nature. I think it had something to do with the prospect of entering a new decade with a new group of people that interest me greatly.

I’m a bit on the silly side with my newfound outgoingness, and I’m starting to come to terms with my goals for life. I no longer want to be in a relationship with someone right away. I’m happy being where I am, with the people I know, doing the things that I do.

More than that, I know for a fact that what I’m meant to do is make people happy. I’m happy with that. Improving someone’s mood just a little bit makes me incredibly happy. It’s a little lacking in the ambition area, and doesn’t require me to do any kind of learning. I’m good at it already. I’ll still learn, sure, but not to make anyone proud of me.

When I die, I want my funeral to be not people in awe of what I did, but thankful for who I was. Thankful to have known me. Happy that I died completely happy. Completeness for me is a well entertained crowd of happy people that I made happy, or a constant stream of people coming up upset, and leaving happy.

Kissing booth here I come :P

Not really, that’s a little conceited…

  Well, Blog, you’re at least a little more updated than you were before.

Sorry to have let you lapse for so long, it’s more important that you’re updated. Keeps my mind straight.

Being ME

Unfortunately, in the recent past with my newfound friends at Best Buy, I’ve begun to find that it’s fairly hard to manage multiple groups of friends without having tension in the transition.

So last night I spent the night at my friend John’s house, at which was also my friend Spenser. It was awkward like none other. I don’t really understand why this was the case. I was sort of clammy, hiding, and just in general not having much fun, even though these people were the people I’d been attached to more than others.

It’s not really so much that I wasn’t comfortable anymore, it’s jut that I’d adjusted to the kind of people I was hanging out with at Best Buy, because they both have very different kinds of humor. As a group Best Buy people have a much more open and accepting atmosphere. With John and Spenser, I don’t really feel in control of what I feel or what I say, but that I’m holding back because I didn’t want to offend.

It doesn’t help that Spenser isn’t really accepting of who I am… or what I want. He’s threatened to stab me if I end up dating Fel. Oh well. Happens. I need to learn how to tend a knife wound anyway, survival tactics you know.

New Moon, New Me

Hey all, it's been a freaking fortnight since I last posted, and I think it's about time I finally take this damned thing seriously.

So I've started working at Geek Squad, and it's more than I ever dreamed it would be. The people I work with are great and very accepting of exactly who I am. It's rare for me to have a place I can go where everyone knows exactly who I am and still absolutely adores my particular brand of crazy. I'm definitely feeling very good about this job, what I do there, and how I do it.

I'm very good at selling things, I've found.

But anyway, that's not really what this post is about.

I saw New Moon last night. It followed the storyline of the book a lot better than the first one did, had lots of very attractive people doing things making them even more attractive (If I do say so myself), and was exactly what I had expected it to be. It did something I was hoping it would do too, it gave me a fresh look on life, and an increased drive to become better.

This, coupled with the recent re-insertion of my music back into my life, has led me to an incredibly phantastic mood. A mood so good, in fact, that I'm dancing and singing around my room again, something I haven't done in ages. It's a very welcome mood change I've been waiting for for a while.

I'm once again very confident in myself and who I am. I'm willing to spend money to improve my looks, I'm grooming myself a lot better than I have been, working on changing my look to better suit who I AM not who I wanted to be.

This acceptance of myself is going to lead to good things, I feel. There are a lot of cool things going on in my life, with a lot of cool people, and it's making for a very fulfilling life right now. It's exactly what I want.

-- Christian, a new me, with a new attitude.

And so a new chapter in the life of Jarannis begins...

Well, so after another two interviews, and an orientation Saturday, I'm now heading into Best Buy for my first day at work as an employee of Geek Squad.

I sense a lot of change and improvement happening today, and in the immediate future.

Wish me luck... if I didn't already have a ton of it to get this job to begin with.

The luck o' the irish

I suppose that's the right thing to title this post, as there isn't any OTHER kind of luck I may possibly have.

So last night at about midnight, I sent an application into a Best Buy using their online form. Pretty routine for me now, a soon to be unemployed socially active teenager. I wasn't expecting to hear from them at all, let alone as soon as they did.

Flash forward to 2 this afternoon, and I get a voicemail. Lo and behold, it's a rather nice gent named Matt from, Yes ladies and gentleman, you guessed it! Best Buy! More specifically, Best Buy's Geek Squad. He'd like me to call him about setting up an interview.

So, I call and they ask if I can come in for an interview... Earlier tonight...

Perplexed as I was, I'm not going to turn down the opportunity to get a job just because of short notice on the interview. So at 7PM, I sat down with Matt, and was almost immediately rushed through to my second interview.

I say almost immediately because he actually went walking around the store to find the assistant manager for the store, the person I was to have my second interview with, to see if he was available to do the interview NOW. Unfortunately he was busy dealing with a secondary matter of greater importance, so I shook Matt's hand and ended the interview with a "Thank you for your time, I hope to see you again in the future"

Destiny

This may very well be the first of many posts with this title, for I'm pretty sure I've found mine, if perhaps in a very ironic way.

Many years ago, eleven, if I recall correctly; I met a girl who'd become my best friend. Her and I were nearly inseparable during elementary school, the short time we were able to spend together during recess ended up keeping the both of us sane during our individual problems. For some reason, we never thought to see each other outside of school.

Flash forward a little bit to about fourth grade, when my own personal struggles came to a head. Things were bad, my family was having a rough few months. The custody battle raged on, and just as it finally decided to take a long break, my mother began having problems with her back. The drive out to take my sister to school wasn't helping much.

It got to a point where I was given a choice. Either continue to go to school, and risk mom's back more, or begin homeschooling and help around the house in hopes that her back would get better. I did the only thing I had the heart to do, leaving my friends behind and staying home with my mother.

I was heartbroken. On that last day, I couldn't find anyone to get their numbers. I ran around frantically trying to find the few friends I'd cared enough about to want to communicate with. I never did find them. What I learned later was that the one person I cared about the most WAS there, and was trying to find ME.

Fortunately, the story of her and I doesn't end there. Thanks to the internet, and mostly Myspace, we were reunited a few years ago. We hit it off, picking up nearly where we left off. Talking like nothing ever happened. But something had happened. It didn't feel the same. It felt like more.

I didn't just jump into it. I didn't want to risk our friendship based on some seemingly errant feeling. I sat there quietly, painfully watching as she went through a few bad relationships. Little did I know at the time that she too, was waiting, watching. She saw me go through Anna and Katie, and all the "there's this guy"-ing. She didn't do anything, just as I myself didn't do anything. Unknown to each of us, the other was feeling the same way.

Cue just last Thursday night. We were texting about something for some reason. (I'm going to paraphrase, I'm not entirely positive on the details anymore. The basic idea is still there though. She brought up how after the last party we were both at, everyone she knew, including her mother, asked multiple times why we never dated. Awkward. I texted back how it's strange everyone seems to think it's a good idea but us, and she responded with "Well, they have a few points."

... A few points? Had I just heard what I thought I heard? I read the text a few times before deciding what my next action was. "Well... I had always thought of trying it sometime..." "Really?"
"Yeah..."
"I don't want you to feel like you have to"
"I do, really"
"Are you sure?"
"Well... Why not? We only live once."
"Yeah, okay... but there's a snag."
"A snag?"
"Yeah... I sort of fenangled myself into a relationship with this girl online... "
"Oh, well don't break that off for me."
"No, I will... I'm not sure it's what I want. Long distance relationships are hard... But I do know that I've always wanted you."
"... Really?"
"Yeah."
"Wow... took you long enough."
"What?"

And so it begins. I broke it off with the girl online. I STILL feel bad about that. Really. Unfortunately what I'd done to get myself into that whole mess, I did because I had given up on anything happening here with any of the people I knew. I'd exhausted all of my options here, run through all the people I know and still hadn't found anyone who I'd WANT to be with...

It was another case of what I really wanted being right under my nose the whole time. Destiny is, quite possibly, my destiny. She's always been there, we've always been good friends, there's nothing either of us have ever done that's ever made the other angry.

So, we went out Saturday. As far as anyone knew, we were just friends. We started in the mall, walking around it twice before we decided we were bored. We went to my favorite Hawaiian Barbecue place for some grub, then headed to the pool hall for a while. We met up with one of her friends there by chance, got bored of the pool thing, so we headed to pie for some Village Inn... Wait, strike that, reverse it. There we go. (i'z sleepy XD)

After that... that's when things go to be the most interesting. We had lived through the "Her mother's crazy friend and a car and waaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAaaaaaaaayyyy too much caffeine..." experience, and we were just hanging around her neighborhood. It was dark, and a little cold. We walked around her little community a few times, finally stopping on a hill to just sit for a while. It was great. We laid down to watch the moon and clouds, something she hadn't done in a long time.

Unfortunately, the grade of the hill was such that she kept sliding down a little. I held my hand up such that she could grab on, and hopefully stop sliding. It didn't help much, however, so she rolled over and I threw my arm over. We laid there like that for a few minutes, our eyes fixed on each other's faces. I moved my had up to her cheek... and we kissed. That was my Saturday, one of the best days of my life so far. The only thing coming close was the day I found her again

Yesterday was better still. She made it over by bus. After some hot chocolate (because DAMN was it cold out there.) we spent the rest of the night just being together, complete with the sappy romantics. We didn't really DO anything. We just talked, laid, and kissed. I anticipate that it will happen many more times in the future.

Really, I'm almost positive she's the one... As much as I hate to admit it. After eleven years without a single even close to serious falling out, we'll be okay for a few more, at least.

She is, in my eyes, beautiful. Perhaps not beautiful by societies standards, but I don't need society to tell me what's beautiful.

I don't ever want to have to give her up.

Cell Phone Company Convolution

OKAY, I'm no longer a sideline skeptic. Cell phone companies blow chunks.

So my cell phone company, who's name brings me agony indescribable, has made me angry once again. I'm pissed off. The one plan I REALLY need, an add-on to let me connect to the internet FROM MY PHONE, isn't available on the plan I'm currently using. A plan that has unlimited data.

Now, if I'm paying for the service, WHO GIVES A FUCK what plan I'm on? WHY DOES IT MATTER? I'll tell you why. Because they can make more money by getting me to switch plans. In the corporate scheme of things, does ten dollars a month REALLY make that big a difference?

NOT ONLY have we been with this company for TEN YEARS, we've never been late paying a bill, we've always been good customers and upgraded our phones often, we've never called customer support, tried to get money for dropped calls, we've referred people, all that jazz. So why, when I say I want to have a plan that lets me connect my PHONE to my LAPTOP and get INTERNET, they say no?

Is selfish greed more important to them than their customer base? Is losing all those customers they did REALLY not making that big an impact? This company needs to realize that they have to appeal to the customer, stop dragging their longest customers through the mud, and start offering things we WANT.

They may have lost me.

Sprint, as a loyal customer who's been using your service happily for ten years, I'm sorry to say that we WILL NOT be agreeing to another two year contract. You can expect three less phone's worth of income when our current contract runs out.

I hope in the future you steer yourself in a direction that values the customer more than the money you are going to lose without those very people.

While I'm at it, text messaging rates. They're absurd. It does not cost $.45c to send a text message to Australia, thankyouverymuch. I might not know much about cellular phones, but I do know that I can send the same text message on the internet, using the same data cables, for much, much less. So much less so that it doesn't even increase my monthly internet bill.

And now, I'm off to find a provider that won't screw me over, if they even exist.

Time... Flies...

Okay, so updating this thing is a little harder to keep up with than I'd like it to be. A lot has happened, a lot of it I don't remember.

So instead of trying to get it all down, trashing my brain trying to find the little bits of information I want to put here, I'll just type up what comes to mind. This will lead to what is most likely a hard to follow series of thoughts that won't make any sense to anyone.

Friday night I kissed the girl who I've deemed my current "problem girl". Nobody I know is happy that I did that. Nobody likes her. She is pretty attractive, and has an okay personality, but for some reason, everyone thinks I need to wash my mouth out with battery acid because of it. Okay, so I was a little drunk, I still made the conscious decision before. I'm not really all that happy about it myself, because the kiss felt a little... empty. Although she was into it, and I wasn't really very drunk, I didn't feel anything. It's a strange sort of disconnect, actually. You'd think there would be at least a little bit of feeling there, but no. There was nothing.

*sigh*

Well, I suppose it's not too bad. I mean, it's only the first kiss I can remember in 5 or more years. I guess it's better than nothing. Though, now that I have, it makes me feel a little more sure that I need to find the right person before committing to anything. In my desperation, I'd thought anyone would do, but not so. For that, I am glad, because it makes me even more sure that I'll find the RIGHT person, and not just settle.

So the rest of the night was a little strange. I had already stopped thinking about the kiss, so I had a lot of fun. Talked with a bunch of people I hadn't seen in about six months. Absolutely everyone was there. Everyone was happy to see me.

After a while, I ended up talking to this girl named Kendra, and ended up talking about being nervous, feeling out of place, and it was a nice long two-sided conversation. It was fun.

Then I got drafted into a beer pong team. Kicked ass with a guy who's left arm was nub just a few inches from the elbow. beat the reigning champs.

That was my friday night, Hung out with some people that I hadn't seen, had a few beers, kicked ass at beer pong, and kissed a girl for the first time in years. I'd say the night was a success.

The next day, however, wasn't as great. Started the day off at 12:30, played a little Army of Two on my cousin's PS3. A few hours later, got drafted into a game of Denver in a Box, which is essentially a ripoff of monopoly. Turned out Problem Girl had spent the night. Awkward.

I was the first out, followed by one of my cousins, then my aunt, then it was down to Problem girl and Asshole. Well, Asshole won, and was an asshole about it. No surprises there.

Watched a few horror movies. Everyone was there. Afterwords Asshole, Cousin, and Aunt took off, leaving me and problem girl alone. I apologized for my actions. She changed the topic. Awkward again. She needed a ride home. I can't drive, so I offered to walk with her. Three miles in the cold, not happening. She ended up finding a ride, and left without saying goodbye. I was sitting alone in the dark for about ten minutes. Nobody said goodbye, nobody said anything about taking me with them. So, Cooler Cousin gets home from the Avs game, and promptly went to bed. Alone in the dark... again. At least he said goodnight.

So I got online and chatted with people. So boooooooored.

Ended up going to sleep at 3 AM. woke up this morning at 11:30. Had a good breakfast. Izgud.

Let's see... Last Monday I went to go see Sex Drive with a girl I met in the DO IRC. We met at Noodles and Company downtown, then went to the theater afterwords. Was a great movie, I recommend it. Took the light-rail down to the park 'n' ride, where her car was parked. She drove me home, met my mother, hung out for a while, then left. Was a good time overall. The whole time it was awkward. She's exactly like me, so the blame rests on both of us for the awkwardness. It was a fun awkward though, and we laughed because we pretty much knew what each other were thinking in our awkwardly directed window-stares. I almost didn't go home when my mother told me I was breaking the plan. I didn't because I'm too obedient. But yeah, Mom likes her, wants me to do more with her, but I think she's going to end up as just a friend.

Uhm... So yeah, I guess that's what's happening in my life at the moment. I don't know if it's interesting or not, but there it is.

The Killers - Human

I'd like to say right now, BRAVO.

This is the first time I have ever been interested in an entire album by ANY band, let alone before I hear the whole thing. All I have from The Killers' new album is the recently released Human from their upcoming album Day & Age.

...Yeah, okay, that sounds like a plug, but it's not supposed to be. This is me on my feet shouting to the heavens that this song is freaking amazing. It's a disconnect from most of the Killers songs I've heard in the past. Mr. Brightside had an older feel to it, and All These Things That I've Done had a nice ambiance effect to it, but Human has an epic all-surrounding feeling.

It's got a strong beat, a powerful synth "oohh" behind the beginning, a strings ensemble behind the majority of the song, mixed in with a buzzy electro-synth.

If the rest of the album is half as awesome as this, I'm buying four. One digital from amazon, one for my car, one for my mother's car, and one to keep in a drawer in case either of the other two gets scratched. Yeah, you heard that right. I won't just copy the disc, I'll buy more than one.

Just. That. Awesome.

In fact, it's awesome enough to pass me by my most recent month and a half writer's block. It's inspiring enough to get my working on my projects again... and blogging. Need to do more of that.

The Good Guys

In literature there are often two kinds of "good guy". There's the singular, and the plural.

The singular good guy usually solves a problem with an internal debate, or gut reaction. He takes things as they come, either going through all the options in his head, or taking a leap of faith. These are fairly common, as far as characters go. They're usually in it for themselves or someone they love, and rarely do they think to the true scale of the situation.

The plural good guys are usually shown as either a group of acquaintances, or a band of adventurers pulled together by a force or common interest. Within the group, we see the same kind of debate as our singular good guy, but open to other ideas. Now the unfortunate thing is that when you're writing with a group of good guys, you tend to run into disagreements. These disagreements stem from the mind of the character you've created and can be quite a roadblock. Time and time again, author's have gone the now tried and true method of pushing the stick in the mud to grudgingly going along with it because he/she "Can't think of anything better.

I myself ran into this author's conundrum when dealing with the novel I started. It presented itself as a large roadblock, and put me off writing for months. Even today I'm not nearly as enthusiastic about the whole thing.

Now that I've moved onto a different project that I need to write for, I've started to think on some ways to avoid roadblocks like these. If you change the dynamic of a group from a forum of ideas to a singular decider, instead of a democracy you get a dictatorship. Unfortunately for me, dictatorships in this form are incredibly fake and unlikely.

So what does a person do in that situation? You make someone a bold idiot and go with whatever they'd do.


If you've noticed the Google Ads, I've placed them there as a test before I put them live on my newest project's website, as I'm going to need whatever income I can get. They should be gone soon.